I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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