GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Randomize
