I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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