Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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