I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
