tell your sister to shave her snatch
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
