Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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