I need help removing her.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
