Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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