I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
