Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize