why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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