theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
