My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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