I accidentally burped into my bong.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
These tits shall not be calmed
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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