If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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