Your face is a jimmy john
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
