it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
