i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
