Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Randomize
