If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
