I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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