my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
They took my balls.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
