Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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