I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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