Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
