Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
