Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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