hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
