Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
