Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
