some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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