I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Randomize
