Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
