Kiss
Puke
I wannas sexs uuuuu
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
