I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize