Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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