good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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