Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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