I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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