he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize