Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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