Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
