Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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