The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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