When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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