My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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