I'm gonna have a badass scar
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize