i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Is that strawberry winking at me??
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
