I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize