Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
