I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
