My liver just broke up with me...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
