I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
