He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
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