There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
