dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
