3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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