4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize