what day is it and did you see me today?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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