My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
