Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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