I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
