3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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