They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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