On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
